[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
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genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.