Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
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When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.