@actualhuman01: me: i didn't think bird box was that good
the internet: you actually watched it? you were just supposed to make memes about it you idiot
@actualhuman01: her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
@actualhuman01: her: you seem really upset, what's up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
@ActualHuman01: me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won't be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that's exactly why you're here
@ActualHuman01: [blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you'd turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
@ActualHuman01: [Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
@ActualHuman01: me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called "sentencing"