When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
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*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.