Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
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If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning