You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
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Punctuation Matters. Period.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.