The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
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Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
This makes total sense…
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon