She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
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My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
me and my fake scenarios
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.