I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
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You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.