[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
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when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
How do horror writers compete with current events?
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
i made a craigslist ad !
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂