I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
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I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.