Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
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*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Don’t snitch tag.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha