[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
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When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
I used to be married, but I’m better now
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me