Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of alldrolledup's best tweets

@alldrolledup : *to woman next to me in yoga* how do you get the mat to stop curling back up

@alldrolledup: I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.

@alldrolledup: my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up

me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair

@alldrolledup: You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you

@alldrolledup: when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth

@alldrolledup: A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON'T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD

@alldrolledup: Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.

@alldrolledup: One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week

@alldrolledup: Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:

Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude

@alldrolledup: It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.