Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
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Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.