“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
You Might Also Like
Love it! 👍😂
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.