You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
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Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.