India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
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[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
how to market bottled water to dads
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
I triple waxed for this?
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
I’ve had worse
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁