Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
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[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.