That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
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I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Krampus.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.