Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
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If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
B
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.