Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
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Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter