[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
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Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
A friend helps you before you need it
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.