Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
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Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I support this random dude and all his protests
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.