Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
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me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Bringing home a sharpie