LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
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Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
it’s the silliest best thing
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Boom, boom, ching!
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.