While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
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“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.