Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
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10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
good work, detective
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.