NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
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I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
some things should go without saying
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.