Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
You Might Also Like
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?