i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
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“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.