Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
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I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up