can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
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I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience