Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
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me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
buys donuts instead
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
This headline is a thing of beauty
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.