WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
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[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.