The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
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priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful