I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
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LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
For when Tinder doesn’t work
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.