Finally!
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[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
i guess his teacher was really pissed
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids