Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
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“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
work smarter, not harder
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon