Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
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Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
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