The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
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Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts