Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
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If you breakdance you buy dance.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Bring back the McRib
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*