*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
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I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.