God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
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Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around