Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
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Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.