9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
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girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
🤣🤣
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing