Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of bea_ker's best tweets

@bea_ker : Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.

@bea_ker: I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’

@bea_ker: My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh

@bea_ker: EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer

@bea_ker: Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up

@bea_ker: "It's definitely better without a condom" I say, removing it from my soup

@bea_ker: MY WIFE: [donating blood]
ME: That's from both of us

@bea_ker: That's the third time Adam Sandler's scootered past my house this morning. Dude if you want to go on my trampoline just ask

@bea_ker: [date slides her top down her shoulder to show me a scar]
I got this surfing
[I show her my grotesque balls]
I was born like this I think

@bea_ker: Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a "thirsty boy"