@bea_ker : Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
@bea_ker: I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
@bea_ker: My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
@bea_ker: EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
@bea_ker: Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
@bea_ker: "It's definitely better without a condom" I say, removing it from my soup
@bea_ker: MY WIFE: [donating blood]
ME: That's from both of us
@bea_ker: That's the third time Adam Sandler's scootered past my house this morning. Dude if you want to go on my trampoline just ask
@bea_ker: [date slides her top down her shoulder to show me a scar]
I got this surfing
[I show her my grotesque balls]
I was born like this I think
@bea_ker: Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a "thirsty boy"