Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of bea_ker's best tweets

@bea_ker : Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone

@bea_ker: WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim

WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job

@bea_ker: Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.

@bea_ker: I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’

@bea_ker: My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh

@bea_ker: EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer

@bea_ker: Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up

@bea_ker: "It's definitely better without a condom" I say, removing it from my soup

@bea_ker: MY WIFE: [donating blood]
ME: That's from both of us