When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
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Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.