PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
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I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life