Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of better_off_dad's best tweets

@better_off_dad : Me: 'I miss you.' The Point: 'No shit.'

@better_off_dad: *Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?

~How my send button should function

@better_off_dad: It's not considered 'people watching' if you do it through their bedroom window, apparently.

@better_off_dad: '....annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.'

~The monster under my bed

@better_off_dad: For the record, laughter does absolutely nothing to help diarrhea.

@better_off_dad: *click
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WebMD: Dude. Just call 911.

@better_off_dad: You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.

@better_off_dad: 14: I don't have a signal.

Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-

14: It's back.

Me: Good talk.

@better_off_dad: *reading note from son:

'Can I borrow your car later?'

*response:

'You spelled 'wash' wrong. But yes.'

@better_off_dad: 'It's nice & thick...you'll have to suck pretty hard.'

- Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.