Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of better_off_dad's best tweets

@better_off_dad : Them: ‘It’s a long story.’ Me: ‘How does it end?’

@better_off_dad: *at confessional*

Priest: 'Really? For a Klondike Bar??'

Me: 'I know...it's pretty sick.’

@better_off_dad: Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.

@better_off_dad: [at park, walking puppy]

Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie...how old?’

Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 44.’

@better_off_dad: The best part about being over 40 is discovering all the new regions of your body that can support hair life.

@better_off_dad: I’ve got moves like Jagger, too...

...so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.

@better_off_dad: When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.

@better_off_dad: If you really want to know how someone feels about you, try licking their face.

@better_off_dad: The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.