Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of better_off_dad's best tweets

@better_off_dad : 'The cat is up on your counters again.' ~The monster under my bed.

@better_off_dad: Life is like a Rubik's Cube

It may look like a jumbled mess at first, but in the end it will make you want to beat the shit out of someone.

@better_off_dad: Turbulence is just God's little way of telling us we're NOT BIRDS.

@better_off_dad: 16: 'We should put a flat screen on the wall!'

Wife: 'I really don't like mounting things.'

Me: *mumbles 'No shit.'

W: 'What was that??'

@better_off_dad: If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.

@better_off_dad: Me: Alexa, are you listening even when I don't say 'Alexa'?

Alexa: No, I only listen when you say 'Alexa'.

M: Thanks

A: Welcome

M: Hey!

@better_off_dad: I wouldn't call it 'passive aggressive', but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.

@better_off_dad: Doctor: What seems to be th-

Me: -Medicinal marijuana!

Doc: I'm sorry?

Me: Let's start with the answer, then work on the problem, ok?

@better_off_dad: I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that's super easy for me to remember:

InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00

@better_off_dad: You never get a second chance to make a first impression...

...and so I bite.