@better_off_dad: *at divorce court
Me: She hasn't touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I'm sorry - What??
Her: I win, right?
@better_off_dad: Sorry about your forehead...
...I thought that was clearly a high five moment.
@better_off_dad: HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm...my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I'm naked under my trench coat?
@better_off_dad: I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
@better_off_dad: Me: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
Priest: How long since your last confession, my son?
Me: About 45 minutes.
@better_off_dad: *calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
@better_off_dad: I can't believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can't even spell 'Ugly' right...
@better_off_dad: It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
@better_off_dad: 13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?