Funny Tweeter

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Page of better_off_dad's best tweets

@better_off_dad : 'Pizza toppings. Go.' -Me, speed dating.

@better_off_dad: *at divorce court

Me: She hasn't touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.

Judge: I'm sorry - What??

Her: I win, right?

@better_off_dad: Sorry about your forehead...

...I thought that was clearly a high five moment.

@better_off_dad: HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm...my trench coat?

HR: Try again.

Me: Because I'm naked under my trench coat?

@better_off_dad: I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.

@better_off_dad: Me: Bless me Father for I have sinned.

Priest: How long since your last confession, my son?

Me: About 45 minutes.

@better_off_dad: *calls out under the bed

Me: Are you still there?

Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.

@better_off_dad: I can't believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can't even spell 'Ugly' right...

@better_off_dad: It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.

@better_off_dad: 13: Can I have the password for Amazon?

Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?

13: Yep

Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S