@better_off_dad: Life is like a Rubik's Cube
It may look like a jumbled mess at first, but in the end it will make you want to beat the shit out of someone.
@better_off_dad: 16: 'We should put a flat screen on the wall!'
Wife: 'I really don't like mounting things.'
Me: *mumbles 'No shit.'
W: 'What was that??'
@better_off_dad: If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
@better_off_dad: Me: Alexa, are you listening even when I don't say 'Alexa'?
Alexa: No, I only listen when you say 'Alexa'.
@better_off_dad: I wouldn't call it 'passive aggressive', but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
@better_off_dad: Doctor: What seems to be th-
Me: -Medicinal marijuana!
Doc: I'm sorry?
Me: Let's start with the answer, then work on the problem, ok?
@better_off_dad: I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that's super easy for me to remember:
@better_off_dad: You never get a second chance to make a first impression...
...and so I bite.