Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
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Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”