@better_off_dad: Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
@better_off_dad: Beer is proof that God wants us to have fun...
...whiskey is proof that Satan wants there to be stories about it.
@better_off_dad: Me: ‘This may be the beer talking, but that is a VERY sharp outfit you have on.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
@better_off_dad: CAT scans are just like regular scans, only the techs push you off the table after.
@better_off_dad: Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’