Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of better_off_dad's best tweets

@better_off_dad : ‘Dude - just get a watch.’ ~My FitBit

@better_off_dad: Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.

@better_off_dad: Beer is proof that God wants us to have fun...

...whiskey is proof that Satan wants there to be stories about it.

@better_off_dad: Me: ‘This may be the beer talking, but that is a VERY sharp outfit you have on.’

Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’

@better_off_dad: Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!

Me: Sounds like a plan.

@better_off_dad: CAT scans are just like regular scans, only the techs push you off the table after.

@better_off_dad: Technically, it's not road rage once you pull into their living room.

@better_off_dad: Her: ‘We should have another kid.’

Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’

@better_off_dad: ‘I want to see other families.’

~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving