Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
You Might Also Like
That lamp looks PISSED.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.