When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
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They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
this could fix me
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store